Of Perfect & Imperfect Little Boxes - An extension of Colours

Why is it that we strive so hard to box and pack things, to be stacked into black and white boxes?Why does the lack of conformity feel like an existential crisis?

Every emotion one feels, is represented by colour. A lot of them, are a blur of colour, are entities with ragged ends, jutting out, overflowing or not quite filling the boxes, or the black and white.  

So, has the fear of involvement and vulnerability taken over so thoroughly, that we cease to exist beyond that feeble caricature of black and white emotions, our real selves?

We are more than the neat little boxes, so why not live like the we are? We are meant to jump, walk, skip, fall, stumble, pick ourselves up and dance upon the perfect, imperfect, open, unopened, tainted, even the most un-boxlike of boxes. What we need, is the idea of conformity, the boundaries to understand what we are capable of, that we fit in, and we stand out. 

The boxes are not to imprison us, they are to show us how truly spectacular we are, and that we make miracles happen, we weave magic.

The Wanderer

Joy, excitement brimming over
I am red
Sunkissed, I am golden
Wandering, one with nature
I am green, earthen
Lost, vanishing, blending in the milieu
I am the wind
Unaware of what awaits, ignorant
I am white
Jaded, shocked, upset
I am black
Soaking in, feeling, getting lost, finding myself
A realistic dreamer on the move
A slave of the wanderlust
I am, a wanderer

Musings Of A Wistful Wanderer

So, I am going on a holiday in two weeks' time, and I am excited. The excitement however, is quite latent, and this, almost beats the purpose of this trip. I definitely want to travel and see new places, what I want additionally, is that delirious excitement one feels at the onset of something new.

I assumed I would feel it, that I am almost obligated to feel so. This trip is a fair number of firsts for me, first holiday overseas by myself, first long holiday post college with a friend, the first holiday I have planned and paid for myself... And yet, the giddiness refuses to envelope me! The rational explanation - not the first time I am travelling alone, or with friends, not my first overseas trip ever, not the first time I am taking care of myself.

There is one thing though, that I am counting upon, the beginning of the journey - the Bus terminal, the airport, the railway station. I believe, I will, like always, find that excitement and exhilaration that accompanies the take off, the first chug or the bus exiting the terminal, that feeling which sets something off in the center of ones' being, is almost addictive.

So here I am, waiting for that one emotion that I have been chasing, of excitement that freezes and thaws my insides at the same time, gives me goosebumps, adds that skip to my feet and twinkle in my eye.
here I am, wistfully painting pictures, dreams. Here I am, wistfully wandering.

(Written on 18th June,2014)

Where fear has incapacitated every mind

Where is the current uproar headed? is it an uproar at all? More importantly, what purpose is it serving?

We may all be screaming from the rooftops, expressing our outrage and fears; but are we not afraid now?

I have always wanted to be happy, at peace ans successful. Today, all I want is to feel safe and to lose the edge, to not want to clutch my can of pepper spray like it is a grenade, to not take a picture of the drivers details each time I ride an auto, to not have 100 on speed dial. 

I had heard somewhere that  risks must be taken, it is the cost of living, something that gives you a chance at happiness. I have believed that it is okay to risk your job to do what you want to, to take a chance and fall in love, to do the same things a little differently; how do I find the strength and the guts to risk anything when fear is clouding my judgement.? What do I take pride in today? That I live in a society where monsters are out massacring lives without the fear of law? I would not call them animals because an animal would never malign a soul for pleasure.

All I want today, is my freedom, to dream, breathe, go out for a walk after dinner, not be suspicious of every stranger I see. Because right now I have been given all the freedom I need, and more , but what good does it do, when the soul and mind are imprisoned by fear?

Part Two - Strength

So something happened today, that shook me a little. I am not going to describe the event here, but it disgusted me, made me want to sanitize my soul .

I guess in some ways,the incident made me realize that I can put on as many masks as I want or  feign indifference and bravery but it will take all of one moment to crack the wall. And through that one crack would flow my vulnerability, for the world to see.

The adrenaline and fear are now keeping me awake, as I am trying to re-assess myself. I have always thought of myself as a strong, independent girl, who can do whatever she wants, and everything she needs to do, all by herself without any help or support. I still think of myself as a strong girl, who can take care of herself, only, today, she needed to ask a complete stranger for help, not because she needed it per se, but because it was  reassuring, her strength felt strengthened.

So there is this line,"Strength is something you choose" and I have always thought it is essential that we choose strength; but today, thanks to this one little incident, I realized, it is important to choose the right kind of strength, one that lasts beyond the masks, and for that, if I need to reach out to people, ask for help, widen my world; I guess I am ready, it is time.

Anusha

Part one - colors

Let me start today with a simple wish, or a wish seemingly simple...

I wish, to someday feel so strongly, that it is my right eye that tears up first.

To simplify, I want to be happy, in fact, so happy that I tear up(your left eye tears up first when you are sad, the right eye, when you are happy).

So, I was sitting this evening, a little morose and a little pensive, feeling low and petty to say the least. I had just realized I wanted to be really happy! Not strange, not unusual, definitely not impossible. So what was it that was stopping me? Why is it that every emotion only touches me, us... only superficially?

Even as I asked myself these questions, I knew where the answer lay and i knew what was stopping me, and why this is going to be a tough road. i was hiding behind the many masks and skins that we don, at the moment, it was fear, procrastination, maybe weakness, ego, or all of them.

The masks, that hold me back. That prevent me from seeing red in anger, hatred, love; the white, blue and green in peace, the yellows and oranges in joy and confidence, the black in despair. The masks, I wore to shield myself from cruelty, are blurring colors, the picture I paint.

Maybe it is time to be a little vulnerable, and just ,maybe, it is okay to get hurt, if the canvass is going to be sharp and beautiful.

Being strong, being vulnerable and finding my way to my true colors!

Anusha