Sunday, January 17, 2016

Of Fears and Cynicism

I am afraid the fear and cynicism that lurks in the deep dark corners of my heart will eventually pervade the rest of my being.

I am afraid my fears will turn me into a weak, meaningless caricature of myself. Surely, the fears are now an entity of their own, feeding off each other and magnifying in the presence of my insecurities. They must have turned into a strong, rotting mass that is rotting everything around it.

The fears make me don many of the masks I put on. These masks I believe are protecting who I truly am. I am afraid I will forget who I am sans the masks and pretences, or that I will lose the ability to wear the right mask.I am afraid there will come a day when I am no longer hopeful, that the sun will not rise for me any more and that I will not find my strengths.

My biggest fear however, is the realisation that no matter how hard I try, I am not and will never be self sufficient. My happiness, despair, hope and strength lie in me, and just as much of them lies outside of me.I exist outside of my being and carry the universe within and I have enabled it to strengthen, weaken and destroy me.

 Despite my vulnerabilities, I move on, treading deep waters and miraculously surviving, and finding the strength, confidence and vanity to display the best parts of me, for the world to see, validate and judge. The being within and the person spread across the universe must be very, very special, for it is a gloriously scary world out there.

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