Where fear has incapacitated every mind

Where is the current uproar headed? is it an uproar at all? More importantly, what purpose is it serving?

We may all be screaming from the rooftops, expressing our outrage and fears; but are we not afraid now?

I have always wanted to be happy, at peace ans successful. Today, all I want is to feel safe and to lose the edge, to not want to clutch my can of pepper spray like it is a grenade, to not take a picture of the drivers details each time I ride an auto, to not have 100 on speed dial. 

I had heard somewhere that  risks must be taken, it is the cost of living, something that gives you a chance at happiness. I have believed that it is okay to risk your job to do what you want to, to take a chance and fall in love, to do the same things a little differently; how do I find the strength and the guts to risk anything when fear is clouding my judgement.? What do I take pride in today? That I live in a society where monsters are out massacring lives without the fear of law? I would not call them animals because an animal would never malign a soul for pleasure.

All I want today, is my freedom, to dream, breathe, go out for a walk after dinner, not be suspicious of every stranger I see. Because right now I have been given all the freedom I need, and more , but what good does it do, when the soul and mind are imprisoned by fear?

Part Two - Strength

So something happened today, that shook me a little. I am not going to describe the event here, but it disgusted me, made me want to sanitize my soul .

I guess in some ways,the incident made me realize that I can put on as many masks as I want or  feign indifference and bravery but it will take all of one moment to crack the wall. And through that one crack would flow my vulnerability, for the world to see.

The adrenaline and fear are now keeping me awake, as I am trying to re-assess myself. I have always thought of myself as a strong, independent girl, who can do whatever she wants, and everything she needs to do, all by herself without any help or support. I still think of myself as a strong girl, who can take care of herself, only, today, she needed to ask a complete stranger for help, not because she needed it per se, but because it was  reassuring, her strength felt strengthened.

So there is this line,"Strength is something you choose" and I have always thought it is essential that we choose strength; but today, thanks to this one little incident, I realized, it is important to choose the right kind of strength, one that lasts beyond the masks, and for that, if I need to reach out to people, ask for help, widen my world; I guess I am ready, it is time.

Anusha

Part one - colors

Let me start today with a simple wish, or a wish seemingly simple...

I wish, to someday feel so strongly, that it is my right eye that tears up first.

To simplify, I want to be happy, in fact, so happy that I tear up(your left eye tears up first when you are sad, the right eye, when you are happy).

So, I was sitting this evening, a little morose and a little pensive, feeling low and petty to say the least. I had just realized I wanted to be really happy! Not strange, not unusual, definitely not impossible. So what was it that was stopping me? Why is it that every emotion only touches me, us... only superficially?

Even as I asked myself these questions, I knew where the answer lay and i knew what was stopping me, and why this is going to be a tough road. i was hiding behind the many masks and skins that we don, at the moment, it was fear, procrastination, maybe weakness, ego, or all of them.

The masks, that hold me back. That prevent me from seeing red in anger, hatred, love; the white, blue and green in peace, the yellows and oranges in joy and confidence, the black in despair. The masks, I wore to shield myself from cruelty, are blurring colors, the picture I paint.

Maybe it is time to be a little vulnerable, and just ,maybe, it is okay to get hurt, if the canvass is going to be sharp and beautiful.

Being strong, being vulnerable and finding my way to my true colors!

Anusha